Dear DOLOPs,

If you are now at a time of day when you can occupy your minds with truly trivial things, try to project yourself into the near future, being seated in a DOLOP audience in front of a charming little gazebo-like structure at Jastro Park in Bakersfield. This little structure, so presciently provided for by the city fathers of yore, before this modern era of niggardly and mean-spirited management of public funds, is wonderfully suited for the multi-talented DOLOPs who wish to march across its stage of time.

Kris Casparie, producer of the show, and underwriter, has just finished a 15-minute speech of welcome, introduction of special guests, and instructions of the show's proceedings, since there are no printed programs. Restlessness is afoot as the participants are anticipating their chance to amuse the DOLOPs, some of whom are leaning back in their chairs with a "show me" attitude.

Permanent stage props are Gypsy, Daniel's Dalmatian, and Otis Johnson, Bills Black Lab. Gypsy craves attention and each time the audience claps and applauds, Gypsy, who thinks they are clapping for her, charmingly displays her four front teeth which is her way of getting into the spirit of the moment. Otis, who just wants to be left alone still looks very elegant sprawled on his black leather chair and ottoman placed at the opposite side of the stage.

For those DOLOPs whose minds are totally unfurnished with anything of interest, or, those DOLOPs who feel genuine terror at the idea of looking into the hopeful, upturned faces of a friendly group of loved ones, i.e., Ruth, Jeanne, Peggy, _________, (you fill in the blanks), these souls are fated to be attendees at the seminars of such distinguished DOLOPs as Jim Casparie, who explains patiently and lucidly the truly elusive and arcane methods of "HOW YOU CAN INVEST IN THE HIGH RISK STOCK FUNDS FEARLESSLY AND PROFITABLY", or for those DOLOPs who are already rich and don't need more, there is another seminar going on led by Carol on how to become skillful in rounding up and organizing a disparate and sometimes reluctant group of mixed-gender people for the purpose of leading an assault on just about anything. In the meanwhile, back at stage front, center, we have those DOLOPs who either have, or are just about to be winners of life's lottery in the arena of ideas and they are eager to share with all the things they have become passionate about.

Leading off are Lynn and Deanne Heitzman and Teresa Lance who do an entertaining roll play on how to conduct lucrative dream therapy sessions in such a way that the clients want to keep coming back. Afterward, for anyone who wants, Lynn gives one free dosage of Melatonin, a safe, sleep-inducing hormone pill that will banish for one night any fretful, feverish dreams and leave you sleeping like a child.

Then, since Deanne is already on stage, she dons her cute chefs jacket and hat, and warns us about those common kitchen toxins which householders commonly and innocently concoct, and then she amuses us while exiting the stage while executing a Beni-Hana style knife-juggling feat.

While the DOLOPs are wildly clapping, Teresa, who has continued to hang about the wings now comes on stage with a table and two chairs and challenges any of the male audience to an arm wrestling match. If nobody comes forward she leaves the stage for Lindsey Johnson who has nurtured a life-long passion for a stage career and since she is anticipating doing this act, she is given as much time as she wants. With Allison Johnson in attendance in the wings ready to assist with make-up and costuming, Lindsey holds us in her thrall with her eighth-grade graduation speech composition, complete with the gown and hair style she wore at that time. This is followed by two Euphonium pieces while wearing her school band uniform and she closes by reciting in its entirety the crowning speech by Portia in The Merchant of Venice.

By now the DOLOPs are calling out for mercy or for more, so Teresa comes back out and enthusiastically leads one and all in one minute of Yoga stretching and breathing exercises which leaves everyone feeling miraculously better. This is followed by a long break for ice cream, cookies, and iced tea.

After this insulin assault to the brain, any DOLOPs who get back to their chairs are regaled by Arnold from his life-time stash of clean and outrageous jokes. Arnold is also a fixture on the stage so as to be ready to jump in and fill up any down time or dead time.

It's Jessie's turn to stun the audience with her ability to talk about any and all subjects, especially if anyone is listening, with absolutely no knowledge of the subject. She usually just starts in talking but for this event she lets the DOLOPs call out their subject preferences. (Arnold, is ready for some down time here.)

Having carefully escorted Jessie away, a stool for a guitarist is brought in and Ruth, Jeanne, Lucy, and Peggy evoke memories of their kitchen quartet days by singing "The Holy Grail", and "Whispering Hope", all accompanied by Alan on his 12 string guitar which he doesn't own anymore.

Mark Poteete shows some selected slides of how he has perfected certain airplane stunts on his days off. He leaves out his two best slides which would have terrified the G1's, not to mention his wife. In order to change the subject, Ray switches the DOLOP's attention to the best ways to earn a living while living in Paradise.

Peter Lance causes the DOLOPs to think seriously about terminating the show as he discourses about the Zen of replacing his car ignition mechanism with only hours to spare. He thinks that he can end the show on a high note by standing on his hands for 15 seconds and then walk off the stage that way with Bev playing the theme song from 101 Dalmatians on her trombone.

Thankfully, time does permit to mention that Eric Purdie gets up and explains "Why Things Are the Way They Are", and how real humor can be ferreted out there if one really wants to. Also, Danae Hutson tells us about the really funny thing that happened to her at the California State Fair when she was demonstrating how to make Blue Ribbon-quality Chowchilla Cinnamon Rolls.

Christina Hutson agrees to demonstrate for the last time how to perform a never fail INTERVENTION CUTOFF when competing in a roller blade contest on the Chowchilla boys' team.

After some real arm twisting by Kris, Brendon and Brooks Fairley perform two letter-winning wrestling holds in such a way that any sibling members can practice them frequently in their own homes and still remain on friendly terms throughout their lives.

Jonathan Liesch who looks so cute in his Junior San Francisco Giants uniform explains in detail about his short term goal for becoming bat boy for the team. He only does it if Jessie Lee stands by his side and holds all the bat boy props as Jonathan needs them.

Two painfully funny performances take place now with Anna Sullivan in her quintessential drollness, describing the decision-making process she endured while making the Final Arrangements of her cherished and faithful little yellow '69 VW bug. While the DOLOPs are cogitating on whether to laugh or cry here, Denis and Cecelia, with perfect stage timing, begin a recitation of their three most memorable occasions during their first year of homesteading in Idaho. These few moments of vicarious drama bring the DOLOPs to their feet with clapping and cheers of Bravo! Bravo!

The Joe Heitz's provide an upscale version of homesteading in Oregon with their modern day version of The Little House in the Woods, with Travis giving an amusing re-enactment of how and why Fainting Goats faint.

A quiet time of high drama ensues while Laura Smith performs a well-rehearsed mime of how she safely and legally retrieves castaway company treasurers from the work-place dumpster. This is her moonlighting job and many DOLOPs whom she has generously enriched with these collectibles watch with interest and not a little envy.

Susan Purdie, probably the most multi-talented DOLOP, has to be prodded onto the stage to give us a visual demonstration of how she gently but perseveringly prodded her septuagenarian and very eager mother to the TOP OF MT. WHITNEY! When the applause and foot stomping finally dies down, Susan begs leave of the audience to give ear while she demystifies the prevailing notion about "going postal." She says that working at the U.S. Post Office is anything but stressful and that she should know because she works there!

Reinette, and Linda Smith compare hostessing moments from hell with Linda doing an "I Love Lucy" version of how to feed an army-sized multitude of eaters and Reinette confronting, on an ongoing, yearly basis, mixed multitudes of loved ones and complete strangers appearing unexpectedly at her door. Both women emphasize that there is real humor to be found here.

John and Linda Smith decide, by popular request, to model the winning costumes they wore back in their early years when they competed on a TV game show. They won a washer and dryer, to their great joy.

The venerable Max, who on stage admits to having mixed feelings about being a bona fide member of the Greatest Generation, especially while undergoing "Catch 22" moments during his Corsica days, shares a couple of examples of really wry humor from his crew members on finding themselves still intact after putting down after a mission.

The DOLOP's OUTRAGEOUS TALENT SHOW ends finally, with the sleeping dogs being gently carried off stage by their owners while the DOLOPs are still calling for more. The lights dim on the 1st Annual DOLOP Outrageous Talent Show.

Remember that there are contests for....

screaming

lying

yawning resistors

joke telling

beauty

holding the breath

Monteen and Janet referee the screaming contest which is ideal because they are hearing impaired. Donna and Mark Hutson referee the lying contest carefully in order to detect any cheating. It's already predicted that Clyde wins this contest--hands down.

The author of all this disclaims all of the above.

JLL, September 14, 2000